Try harder.

Note to myself : Work harder, you lazy ass

Try harder.

Try harder.

Try harder.

Try harder.

I almost quite everything. My fears consumed me.

Jump a leap. Work more. Do not forget the details. Pay attention. Stop rebelling. Calm down, tone down your voice. You talk too much, that's nonsense.

What are those? Mhm, obviously I am in expectation of disappointment, for an achievement that I can not reach. Co-dependency on others allowing my own judgement, intuition and intelligence to be narrowed down and crushed... I don't believe in myself.

You know what? I would like tell myself those are bullshit.

Wait, jump what leap? Oh you mean, take a leap of faith? Yeah, that's exactly it. Prevalently, always be grateful. It is hard, but not everyone can do what you do. At least these what I have been told.

"You have a lot of potential."

"You have a lot of skills."

"You're smart."

So no one knows that I am actually pushing myself a little further for these compliments. Unfortunately, those are just temporary. I lose interests, so quickly like a shrinking tire. No, like a balloon pinned to a needle. Pops! Everything is now gone..

Take your pills. Do they even help? I feel sick. Migraines, nausea, diarrhea and no energy. I still can't keep still. In addition, ADHD alone is a huge package for me to carry. But that does not it, I have a mood disorder. Endless medication trials. The battles is on-going between my brain and body. I am exhausted.

What can I do? Nothing? Do I have a choice? Nothing? That is even worse. How can I live my life in the long run? What's my future? Oh no, it's too far away and there's not even a single clue to fill in the picture puzzles. It's always been a "Surviving Mode".

Nonetheless, I am grateful still breathing. Bonus ;

I get to learn, explore and experience cool stuffs. Thanks to my racing and constant curious mind.

Be that as it may, the memories, skills and knowledge attained, do not stay that long. To remember everything, I can't. My phone, cloud and hard drive storages are almost full. My reminder list? Too much, I don't know which is important and I am very lousy in prioritizing things.

My attention span, they come and go. Expand and shrinks. Forget and repeat. All over again, endless cycling. I try harder than anyone else.

Still, labelled as lazy, making excuses and wasted. Go on, judge me. I don't even know how to respond on that anymore.

Peace out.